Chewing Is Overrated

People often ask me, "Mandy, how do you stay so slim and beautiful?"

Okay, people don't actually ask me that at all. But I couldn't resist making such an offensive opening statement.

In other fits of honesty, I must tell you, cosmetic dentistry is not for the faint of heart. There is a debt that must be paid to the Gods of Vanity and that debt is paid in pain. Oh, and dollars. Almost forgot that part. Dollars and discomfort, oh my.

It turns out that getting new fillings can cause some initial "discomfort." ("Discomfort" is medical-speak for "Ouch-that-freaking-hurts!") When I first had my metal fillings replaced with composite, it hurt when I bit down on any kind of food that wasn't pre-chewed by my husband. Just kidding. I'm not feeding off him like a baby chick to a mother bird. Again, that sentence was so disgusting I couldn't resist writing it.

Perhaps the pain is making me sadistic?

I went back to the dentist a few days after getting the composite fillings to fine tune my teeth. When all of the surfaces of your molars have been overhauled, you're going to need some smoothing and filing once the Novocaine wears off and you can tell the difference in your bite.

In addition to changes in your bite, some patients will experience hot and cold sensitivity. This is normal and is no cause for alarm, apparently. You'll just need to keep your beverages on top of the refrigerator instead of in the refrigerator. "Room temperature" is your new best friend. Unless we're talking about room temperature yogurt or a room temperature smoothie. Those things are actually kind of gross.

But even if your food is room temperature, it's going to take time to get used to chewing food with your new tooth surfaces. By the time you've made it halfway through a meal, you may just tire of the inconvenience of it all. Food is no longer quite as delicious if both hot and cold foods torment you, and chewing is not entirely comfortable.

You'll get kind of "Meh" on the whole food thing for a while. While this is a somewhat disappointing side effect, there is weight loss to consider. Sweet, sweet, weight loss.

In fact, I lost three pounds in the first week with my new fillings. It's enough initial weight loss to make me realize that the gum procedure I have coming next week, and the braces appointment I have two weeks after that, will result in six weeks of constant dental discomfort! Not that I'll lose 3 pounds per week for six weeks (18 lbs!) but even if I were to lose one pound per week for the remaining weeks, that would equal 8 lbs.

This is the Devil's math, I know. But I went there anyway.

All of this leads me to believe that someone should combine weight loss centers and cosmetic dentistry centers all into one convenient building.

Jenny Craig's Weight Loss and Cosmetic Dentistry Center.

Weight & Tooth Watchers.

Nutri-Denta System.

See? It could totally work.