Oh, You Hilarious Salad, You!

I'm on a diet, so when I saw this post about how many stock photos there are of women laughing with salads, I thought it was the most hysterical thing I'd ever seen.

Hahahaha!

Oh Salad! You minxy little roughage, you! How you amuse and delight me. In fact, I love you so much you bring out the wild animal in me. The one that is foraging in the woods for food:

Nom. Nom. Nom.

In fact, eating salad has made me feel soooo comfortable in my skinny skin skin, that I've taken to eating salads while wearing as little clothing as possible:

Sure my co-workers have started to complain, but look at me! I look fabulous!

Okay.

So I'm a little on edge. I've given up bread- and pasta-like carbs in the name of losing the last 7 pounds from The Dancing Baby and The Quitting Smoking. It's Day 5 and I've already lost 2 pounds. I look great but I feel so very hostile. Which makes me think: Where are all the photos of Homicidal Women with Salads?

If you do a Google Image search, what you get is a lot of pictures of angry women, and then a lot of laughing women with salads. But never the twain shall meet.

Oh, and you get this:

This is actually a pretty good representation of how I feel without carbs.

To be fair, I have lost 34 lbs. since April of last year without actually dieting. How did I do it?

Well, first, I gave birth.

That took care of about 23 lbs. almost immediately or within a few weeks. Then I got a personal trainer and I lost another 7 lbs. By December I had lost another 2 lbs. and here we are the first week in January and my five days without carbs have successfully brought me down yet another 2 lbs. Clearly, I am the most awesome dieter ever.

I think I only need to lose another 6 lbs. and then I will be Susan Powter.

So now that I've gone without carbs for 5 days and have lost a mind-boggling 2 lbs. I feel qualified to dole out dieting advice on the internet. I'm basically a dieting expert. Here is what I have to tell you. There is one thing and one thing only that has gotten me through this week without going full Angry Monkey on my husband and children:

Mango Smoothies

Yes. That's right. Go directly to Whole Foods or Trader Joes and buy a bag of frozen Mango Chunks. Yes, they really call them Mango Chunks. How appetizing, yes. I put a cup of skim milk in my BlendTec blender, a scoop of protein powder, and about a half cup of frozen Mango Chunks. Blend until it looks like ice cream and there you have your after-dinner snack. It's sweet, it's loaded with protein, and you feel like you're not denying yourself everything good in the universe.

Angry Monkey says: "Stop being a bitch and have a smoothie!"