Adult Braytheth

I had my first appointment with an orthodontist.

Have I mentioned that I'm 39 years old?

I sat in a waiting room with a bunch of mouth-breathing 13-year-olds and wondered if this was my future. Would I be a mouth-breather? Would I curl my lips away from my teeth in what was either a hormonal sneer or a tender-lipped evasive maneuver?

Oh lord.

I'm 39 years old and I'm about to wear braces for the next year and a half.

Have I mentioned that I'm in advertising?

Thank goodness most of my creative presentations are done via the phone thanks to my out-of-state client. But you can still hear a mouth-breather over the phone, right? And I haven't even considered the lisping yet.

Can you hear me pitching a new headline? How about, "Thervice with a thmile!"

Or maybe it won't be that bad? I've never worn braces. Does everyone lisp? The orthodontist also informed me that I'll need to use rubber bands to correct my bite. I'm assuming that means I'll have rubber bands scissoring across my mouth. I seem to recall my sister intentionally shooting rubber bands across the dinner table when we were kids. That could add some excitement to meetings. If anyone says anything remotely annoying, I can just fire off a round of wet rubber bands across the conference table.

*Thwack thwack thwack!*

The account people will be grabbing their faces, confused and momentarily disarmed by an elastic saliva assault from creative.

"I think you need to reconthider thothe creative changeth, my friend," I'd say. Then I'd narrow my eyes and menacingly open my mouth. "Do we underthand each other?"

The good news is that even though I'm not a candidate for the clear plastic Invisalign® braces, I can get clear crystal braces. I prefer to think of them as "designer braces." Mine are called Radiance® and as the brochure assures me, "Radianth ith confidenth."

They're made from "pure sapphire." So basically I'll have bejeweled teeth. Bling, if you will. The brackets themselves should be invisible (from a reasonable distance) and the only thing you'll be able to see is the wire. Allegedly.

In any case, it's definitely better than having a mouthful of metal. And to be honest, I feel fortunate that I have the opportunity to get my teeth fixed at such an advanced age.

*Reaches for cane.*

Before I can get the braces, however, I have to have some work done on my teeth so they're strong enough to endure a year and a half of orthodontic treatment. I've got to swap out my thirty-year-old fillings and have some work done on my gums.

(Some of you just cringed in sympathy for me. For that, I thank you.)

But never fear. There will be a photoblog once I get the designer grill.