A couple of weeks ago I went into the walk-in clinic for some drugs. I'd had a slight touch of the Bubonic Plague for about three weeks and the chronic headache seemed to suggest that I might have developed a sinus infection along the way too. The doctor prescribed a Z-pack and I was good to go.
Until the next morning, when I woke up covered in hives all over my chest and stomach.
Apparently your body can turn on you at any point, people. Your body is a betrayer. One day it's all "Hey, I'm cool with antibiotics" and the next day it's "Fuck you, Cure!" So the days of azithromycin are over for me. Enjoy your youth while you have it, Millennials. Behold. I am Ozmandifish and I am here to tell my tale.
I called the doctor again because I figured hives aren't good. I'm pretty medically savvy that way. I was put on amoxicillin and steroids and I was supposed to get better. Strangely enough, the hives did not go away. I was beginning to worry that they were a permanent feature now, perhaps karmic retribution for the fact that I never got stretch marks with either of my two kids.
I KNOW. I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T EVEN USE COCOA BUTTER OR PUT LOTION ON MY SKIN. YOUR GOD IS NOT A JUST GOD. WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?
Then I woke up this morning.
The ugly red welts were redder, angrier and spreading even further. They were all over my back and all the way down to the tops of my thighs. My breasts and abdomen were covered in angry red welts. It scared me.
I ran to show my husband, who was still in bed.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? OH MY GOD THIS DOES NOT SEEM LIKE AN OPTIMAL STATE OF HEALTH. DO YOU THINK I HAVE SOME MUTANT STRAIN OF LETHAL MEASLES?" I asked, calmly.
"I think I can diagnose you," he said.
"Really? You can?" I started to calm down.
"I think you have an acute case of HOTNESS! YEAH BABY!" he waggled his eyebrows at me.
"Oh my god. What is wrong with you?" I said. "I'm clearly in a health crisis and you're horny?"
"All I see is a hot naked woman in my bedroom. Oh yeah!" He narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips.
"I'm calling the doctor. You should be ashamed of yourself," I went to find my clothes and the number for the doctor. I did not collapse due to some imminent state of allergic asphyxiation, no thanks to my husband.
You'll be relieved to know I'm on even more steroids now and I've been taken off the amoxicillin. Apparently I'm allergic to that too. And you can also rest assured that my horribly disfigured body will apparently not effect my relationship with my husband. So I've got that going for me.
Bubonic plague but naked? No problem. But you can bet if he had a sniffle, full-fledged Man Cold would have brought down the house ;)
ReplyDeleteHope that you're feeling better!
As a man, I am qualified to verify the truth of this statement.
DeleteYeah. It's true.
Yep. Abby knows what she's talking about.
DeleteConsider yourself lucky that your body hasn't turned on you sooner! I was taking massive gobs of steroids for the last 3 years for myositis (autoimmune muscle disease) until I went totally manic. Apparently "steroid psychosis" is pretty common and yet no one ever warns you. So I'm telling you: watch out for insomnia, elevated mood and fits of emotion (by far the worst of the three!). Also, I agree with Dr, Fred's diagnosis. But I might be biased since I now have found my own dirty old Dr man.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. The doctor asked me if I was having any side effects from the steroids such as not being able to go to sleep. So far so good.
DeleteAt least your husband is a strong believer in the "in sickness and in health" part of the wedding vows :)
ReplyDeleteYeah baby!
DeleteI waggled my "eyebrows" at you.
ReplyDeleteI decided to take your advice and return it to my PG version.
DeleteSounds to me that you're allergic to penicillin. I'm the same and had a similar when I was a kid. Enjoy :)
ReplyDeleteHaha. Thanks.
DeleteI once had the skin on my legs turn against me. But your whole body? Wow. You win, Mandy.
ReplyDeleteP.S. turned out my skin didn't like smelly liquid soaps. So now I have to use Dove soap for sensitive skin. Just like a girly man.
Yeah, this whole house uses the girly Dove soap too. And the Cetaphil. And Vanicream. 100% of the household suffers from eczema so we're a hot mess.
Deleteevery year i feel like i manage to pick up another malady. Aging is for the birds.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, mind the steroids! I took a bout of them recently for poison ivy. when the doc warned me there might be side effects like mood swings, I laughed, saying I dont usually expererience side effects. She would have the last laugh if she knew for the next week I cried when my cat didnt want to sit near me, teared up at radio commercials and had generally overemotional reactions to completely inane stimuli.
I'll keep an eye on that. I have noticed that if I take the steroids late at night I have trouble going to sleep.
DeleteYikes! So scary! But sounds like your docs finally have it sorted out with the right meds -- AND you've established that your husband's attracted to you, no matter what! So win-win!
ReplyDeleteSo yeah, everything's cool. Ha. Except I still have the hives. ;-/
DeleteI'm going to pretend I didn't read that bit about the stretch marks because I've already got enough pregnancy rage to power Nebraska.
ReplyDeleteMy husband would never come near me if I were covered in hives! hahahaha...
This is not the blog post you're looking for. This is not the blog post you're looking for.
Delete*Waves hand*
Well, if you have to find out you're allergic to amoxicillin, that's not a bad way. Actually, pretty funny and it didn't kill you. Just don't try this again!
ReplyDeleteYay for not killing me! Win!
DeleteBless your hubby's heart for telling you that you were hot whilst welt-covered. I don't think Mr. W would do that. He'd be in the fetal position worried he was going to catch it. I'm allergic to penicillin and had a similar episode when I was a kid. I hope they find something to give you that makes you feel better and doesn't bring on the hives!
ReplyDeleteHaaaaa. Mr. W. cracks me up. And my husband is a pit of a germophobe, so you can see how dedicated he is.
DeleteSorry, my computer seems to 'correct' things for me by deleting random words from paragraphs that I type. This is super awesome, obviously. Please allow me to try again ...
ReplyDeleteMy Mrs is allergic to those same drugs. Me? I'm allergic to alcohol. Yeah, so awesome. I developed that allergy a few months ago courtesy of a medical patch whose main ingredient is alcohol USP. So listen, maybe you can't take a certain strain of antibiotics, but I may forced to give up vodka and margaritas. Life is just not worth living anymore!!! Well, except there's still ice cream. And pizza. But still, this sucks!
You could always start doing drugs.
DeleteAh, but my employers always drug test. They never alcohol test. Why is that, now that I think about it? Why test for marijuana but not excessive levels of vodka in my blood? How is it a problem if there was residual marijuana in my blood, but I wasn't on it at the time, but it isn't even a consideration that I might be drunk as a skunk while taking the drug test?
DeleteSo my husband had foot surgery last week and had a full on twitchy, spazzy, itchy, complete lack of pupils allergic reaction to ibuprofen. Double you tee eff. Who does that?! Ugh.
ReplyDeleteI hope you heal quickly.
In other news I recently bought non ammonia windex and I HATE it. Smells awful, don't get it.
What is that abomination and is it an optional version of Windex? They haven't changed the formula, have they? Because I'll have to go on a massive Windex shopping spree if they did....
DeleteNon ammonia Windex is for cleaning things that have a plastic film on them or are made of plastic, such as tinted car windows, because the ammonia will cause it to haze permanently and then it is ruined.
DeleteAlso; he's allergic to steroids which is somehow related to anti inflammatories but is, according to most doctors, IMPOSSIBLE TO BE ALLERGIC TO, despite you know, his shallow breathing and intense swelling and vomiting that occurred right after taking it, so whatever. Something to consider.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has that same vision issue, and it often extends to walking passed a sink full of dirty dishes and not noticing them either.
ReplyDeleteHA!
DeleteLittle Ms Blogger, LOL !!! funny how that happens. . . only to men.
ReplyDeleteI suddenly came down with an allergy to antibiotics a few years ago. A light red rash all over my body but no itching, just a bright red rash.
I realized as I was typing here that I no longer remember the antibiotic .. oh well, itch itch scratch scratch..
I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who became allergic after not being allergic. It's so strange. I don't understand biology and science.
DeleteBiology and science are hard. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how something that works all along is suddenly checked off the list due to allergies. I know people this has happened to and it is not fun. Hope you're better soon and glad it wasn't a really bad reaction to the medicine.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're feeling better now. And if you aren't, I have several bottles of strong liquor that I can freely donate to you which have on a few occasions helped me get over various illnesses when the medicines I was taking didn't seem able to do the job. Seriously, my dad tried telling me as a kid that things like whiskey can sometimes help with certain illnesses and I thought he was just trying to get me drunk so I'd confess to various things. Turns out he was right. That stuff works. And Jagermeister, Lord, that stuff will wipe out any lung, throat or sinus-related problem almost instantly. Anyway, I'm rambling. The point is, I have a liquor closet filled with bottles I can no longer use, so if you want it, it's all yours. Yes, technically I'm trying to get you drunk. But it's for your benefit. And mine. You need a sinus cure and I need to not drink things that make my entire body turn bright red and itch uncontrollably for days.
ReplyDelete